It will be my beloved father’s birthday (in heaven) by month-end, and a week from that, mine. Another year older, another year I get to not reveal my age to some very curious people.
What is it about women and age? And what is it about me in particular that makes me want to hide mine from the world at large?
It’s not that I look or feel my age, although there are tell-tale signs, of course. Like I’ve been experiencing aches in certain parts, it’s definitely been harder to keep the weight off (pandemic excuse notwithstanding), and my hair now needs retouching every so often.
I just really don’t want to be limited by perceptions of what women of a certain age can or cannot do, or should be doing or not doing anymore…I think that’s one main thing. I refuse to be boxed or labeled. I am who I am, I like what I like, and I’ll do what I feel like doing. What you see is what you get, and I only reveal my age on a truly need to know basis.
And then there’s the fact that I’m single, and even if the modern woman really couldn’t be bothered anymore, there are still societal and cultural judgments made upon single women by virtue of not having married and borne children by say past the age of 40, and I just don’t have the patience to deal with that…hashtag pet peeve.
I am well past 40, and I’m totally fine with this. I’ve experienced a lot, I’ve done all sorts of things, I’ve met many amazing and interesting people, and I’ve seen a lot of the world (I’ve traveled to 17 countries, and explored much of my native home). My life has been filled with memorable activities, adventures and misadventures, achievements and disappointments, challenges and joys, and other experiences that a feisty, courageous woman with a good head on her shoulders, among other fine attributes (I have testimonials to back me up) can be expected to have had.
THERE is so much more to life than being ‘in a relationship.’
But see, here’s what I realized…I, too, judge myself for not having found a lifetime partner and for not having formed a traditional family at my age. I know I’ve truly put myself out there to try and find my One, and my closest and dearest can attest to this. But he continues to elude me. And yes, on one hand, this sucks big time. On the other hand, my independent and strong self is happy and proud that I continue to hold my own, that I never settled, and that I’ve “singlehandedly” created a life I love. It’s not perfect, but I have many reasons to be grateful, and I continue to grow, learn, and go after my dreams.
Deep down, I know a part of me remains unready to “settle down.” But I also know that I’m this close to being as ready as I can ever hope to be. Sure, it’s way past the age that I’m supposed to have reached that point, but the operative words are “supposed to,” because who’s to say when the time is right except me, correct?
So with this piece, I am releasing myself from my own judgment. More than two decades ago, when I left Opus Dei, of which I was a numerary member for seven years, and rejoined the world minus commitment to remaining single, I remember telling God in prayer, “Don’t give me a husband until I’m good and ready.” I’ve never forgotten I said that, and apparently neither has God. Little did I know that it would take me this long to get good and ready. God gets the last laugh, and the joke is on me. (I say that with respect and affection, Lord, and I really don’t mind the extra-long wait in my heart of hearts, in spite of moments of seeming to mind a lot.)
So I turn a year older in about two weeks. I am healthy in all aspects, and that counts for a lot. I am surrounded by loving family, loyal friends, and the cutest, most devoted pets, and I continue to be open to possibilities. If you ask me how old I am, I will tell you that I am beautifully mature and delightfully youthful. And when it comes to love, I’m a grownup woman who’s ready for grownup love with the man of my dreams (no less). I know he exists, but I also know that there is so much more to life than being “in a relationship.” Although that’s a goal that remains important to me, I have other sweet dreams to fulfill, other exciting roles to play, and other noble hopes to bring to fruition. So help me, God (wink).