I just celebrated my birthday and looking back at my year just passed, I’m somewhat surprised to realize that the second half of 2022 was the darkest of the pandemic years for me. It had nothing to do with the pandemic though. It had everything to do with my getting depressed — although thankfully, the depression was not of the clinical kind — over my dating life, and in a way that I hadn’t experienced before.
I’ve dated what feels like a million men. Okay, a thousand, to be more realistic. Okay, around 50 to be factual. (By dated, I refer to relationships of about a year, and regular dating interactions of at least three weeks.) That’s a lot, you have to agree. (This uber elusive match of mine has created Em, the Empowerment and Self-Love Coach, so it’s a win for humanity in the end. I accept spirit’s way of grooming me into my soul career and mission, even if it wasn’t expected nor a walk in the park, although it had its moments.)
It’s Women’s Day as I write, and someone in a coach group I belong to just sent out the greeting of Happy International Women’s Day. A male coach seconded it, but added that he wonders why there is no day dedicated to men, said in jest, I suppose. He was met with silence. But I’m willing to bet the mostly female members of the group had a similar thought bubble in response. Mine went a little something like this: “Uhm… because men don’t deserve it, duh.”
Romantic interactions
Look, I am not a man hater. But I have to say the quality of men in today’s (and yesterday’s) dating pool leaves much to be desired. To be more specific, there are just too many weaklings, scumbags, unevolved and stupid males out there (I am obligated to not sugarcoat). And I’m not even including the scammers in our midst. It’s a sad state of affairs, and definitely frustrating.
Before the men reading this rise up in arms and burn my effigy, hear me out. Or simply talk to the smart women around you who are actively dating. Ask them how their dates or “romantic” interactions with men have been. Ask them why they choose to remain single. Ask them why they are single yet again. Ask them what dating is like in the online apps. Ask them what the dating pool is like in real life.
IT takes a mega strong woman to be actively dating these days.
Or if you are a single man who’s actively dating and purportedly looking for a relationship, how about asking yourself these questions… Am I putting myself out there with good and honest intentions? Do I show real interest in terms of conversation and initiatives? Am I proactive in my approach to dating or do I wait for the women to take the lead? Am I respectful and chivalrous? Do I take care of clearing my baggage from previous relationships so that I don’t project my hangups and traumas to the women I date? Do I lead women on and waste their time, energy, and affection knowing that I have no intention of getting serious with them? Am I responsible with my finances so that I can be a good provider and not be a burden to my (potential) partner? Am I of sound mind and emotional health to actually be dating?
Okay, I’ll stop there. I can obviously go on. I speak here not just for myself, but for the many single women I know. It takes a mega strong woman to be actively dating these days.
Rejection
To be fair, I’ve dated a number of good guys through the years, albeit men who mostly turned out not really knowing what they wanted, or being emotionally unavailable, or some other dealbreaker like that. And then there were the handful who were just not that into me after all — it’s all good, I can take rejection. Let me mention as well that there have been some decent men who liked me, but who were simply nowhere near my type, so that’s that. But I’m talking of the majority here, and based on my numbers, I know whereof I speak.
Going back to my dating-induced depression last year up to early this year, it lasted a good seven months. That’s very long for me, ask my close friends. The good news is I am not angry anymore (I am writing this very calmly, I promise.) I am blessed with emotional resiliency, although I’d say the resiliency is not magical or inexplicable. It is resiliency borne of a lot of introspection, self -awareness, going through the stages of grief after break-ups, getting coaching and attending seminars as needed (I walk my talk), having standards, knowing my worth and having unwavering self-love — all of which enable me to make good decisions for my well-being at the end of the day.
IT takes a lot of forgiveness to get back on track.
Forgiveness
It takes a lot of forgiveness — for myself, and for the others involved — to get back on track. It takes strength and unwavering self-love to know my worth and to value my life over and above any amount of dating and relationship misadventures and mishaps. And it takes deep self-awareness and authenticity to acknowledge that yes, in spite of all that, I still want that Big Love, and I choose to be open to finding my person.
The big difference after coming out of the fog is that I am now aligning myself to all aspects of my 10 Dating Queen Commandments, which I have put together and serves as the framework for my Empowerment and Self-Love Coaching Program. The operative phrase is “aligning myself to ALL aspects” — no ifs, no buts, no cheat dates, no settling whatsoever. The 10 Dating Queen Commandments are my hard-earned lessons from the more than two decades of dating and relating in my arsenal. I am writing more about these in my succeeding columns, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I celebrate not just another trip around the sun, but my recovered joy, hope and ability to focus on what matters. Happy Women’s Month to all of us brave, single women who continue to say yes, not just to romantic and passionate love, but to the self-love that has to come first.